COUNSELLING ZONE
–By Ilaxi Patel, Author of Guardian of Angels: A Practical Guide to Joyful Parenting)
– Click for Bio
From Editor’s Desk
It’s been years, since 1991, I am involved with Kids Activities & Kids Journalism. All these twenty years, it sure has been labor of love that came naturally with evaluating my own parenting and teaching techniques with kids. I ain’t a Psychologist nor a child counsellor but remaining in constant touch with kids, parents and teachers and having done a thorough research for writing Parental Feedback Articles, I realize my Teaching Techniques and Parental counselling has changed lives of many a kids pulling them out of their withdrawal problems like stammering, fear, anxiety, anger, shame, guilt, selfishness, attitude & behavior patterns, ego, inferiority complexes, attention deficit problems, hyper active, memory loss, etc. It so happens that our own actions can be a reflection of our own self esteem. Nurturing children is, perhaps, an exercise in perfecting our own nature. At times, one feels a failure when one aims for perfection and we discover much about ourselves as we help our children learn the attitudes and develop the skills to surmount the daily challenges of life. The nagging, negative parental attitudes we often see can be stifling and stunting instead, we can opt for opportunities to be a wonderful parent ourselves. Nothing is perfect in this world, neither children nor parents-not even love itself. But we can always strive to improve. Robert Browning once said “A man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” We keep on growing emotionally as we learn to understand our own children-and it’s struggle at times. Yet while our imperfections and theirs may never fully disappear, like a pebble dropped into a pond whose ripples widen and widen, so the strength and warmth of our love will reflect on their lives as well as on the lives of others.
All one need to make a big Resolution is to eliminate the word ‘Impossible’ which is a failure word. “Wont work”, “Can’t be done”, “It’s useless”, “It’s stupid” and such thoughts should never let a person shrugg off helplessness but instead “I-can-do-better” attitude makes a big difference in our own lives and in helping our kids too cope up with their weaknesses.
I hope my answers would ease the troubled minds and would fill your life with warmth and happiness. I make efforts to reply quick but if I fail to be prompt, please excuse. If you have a say, wish to debate or want to ask a question or two, please feel free to write to me – I am open for bouquets or brickbats, please:-) After all, we all learn through our very own experiences and these very experiences in life make us a better person and better moms too;-)
Editor – Kidsfreesouls
ilaxi
MY BOOK “GUARDIAN OF ANGELS”
IS DEDICATED TO ALL PARENTS, TEACHERS AND CHILDREN.
I thank all the numerous Parents, Teachers and kids of Swagat Children Library and many readers of www.kidsfreesouls.com and Internet, whose visits and comments on parenting, nourished my own desire to publish the book and share it with all in print form.
Hello! I read your article: Free Soul, memory power…
I was wandering if you also have any information about the mental power and the most important question I do have is: “What MENTAL refers to when in connection with the word power”. Lets say mental you might refer to the MIND but how does it work? Please help me understand since it looks like you do have a lot of knowledge. I am a person which lost her memory, long and short term and live the moment loosing my life this way into a hospital in which I was abused by medication and had several death experiences due to medical abuse. I had a head injury and memory (short) loss before the hospital incident from a car accident and I am CURIOUS to learn about these three terms:
memory power (what is it and how it works)
mental power (what is it and how it works)
mind which I will like to know the same thing…what is it and how it works…
Thank you…
Rita McNamara %28mcspirit@yahoo.com“>- mcspirit@yahoo.com
Hi Rita McNamara,
Sorry for the delay in answering. Well, I will first recommend a Book on How Mind Works by Steven Pinker. The book is rathar on the Evolutionary Psychology. How the mind works or say better ‘Digging Minds’ – the author reveals the research on Minds and his survey is all ‘Ahs’ and ‘Oops’ coz as we read the book, Steven Pinker is cheering thru the chapters on Human brain. The author digs into psychology – neuroscience effects and how the senses perform. With indepth views, the book might seem misleading at places but to sum up, the authors leaves room for the’free’ flow of thoughts. Signs of anxiety, fear, insecurity is emotional outbursts seen in some people which is totally controlled by the thinking process of the brain. Hearing, speaking, thinking are all mind triggered emotions and even memories relate to Mindful thoughts.
And there is the exercise of Mind Gym. Read “Mind Gym” and go for the 90 minutes workouts.
-Achieve more in less time
-Gain energy and have less negative stress
-Resolve difficult challenges
-Win people round to our point of view
-Enjoy life
Like I said in my Memory Power article, Psychologist Danial L. Schacter of Harvard University says that you needn’t worry about the lapses in memory unless you experience a noticeable and consistent decline in memory or you aren’t able to function at work. Most of the people start fading memory at the stage when they reach the mid years of their life. Lapses of memory are normal and even patients of Diabetes and thyroid are found to be at a loss of memory which fades and regained at times.
For the Memory Power, it’s first to know How they’re made. There are four types like:
– sensory memory
– working memory
– short-term memory
– long-term memory
Human memory is a complex phenomenon which involves various regions of the brain. Here’s on How Long and the Short term memory.
Mental Power is enhanced with rewiring the brain. With adults, they fail to remember sometimes on many things. Mature brain goes for a decline. So, I guess, this needs to be recharged and rewire the brain. Sharaon Begley has a fine book on this with a foreword from Dalai Lama – “Train Your Mind, Change your Brain” Neuroplasticity can allow for treatment of senility, post-traumatic stress, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression—and Buddhists have been capitalizing on it for long time. Steven Pinker studied verbs for 20 years! The brain at birth is simply not a blank state but shaped by culture and experience. Mental Power comes with mind meditation, the workouts and even proper brain diet.
You might not be able to read all the books but I am sure, reading the reviews at amazon, might help too. As head injury do effect the brain, along with the medication, the mind Gym exercise can soothe over the stressed pain.
You can even go for the five minute meditations every day:
Calm your mind, find a quiet, comfortable place, where you won’t be distracted. Sit with your back straight. Place your hands in a comfortable position. Allow your eyes to rest comfortably downward, gazing softly but not focused on anything. Let your breathing become deep and rhythmic. It’s okay to let your attention drift a bit, but stay relaxed. If your eyes become heavy, let them close. Don’t worry about doing it right. You simply want to clear your head, and relax.
Also Recommended Book for memory: Total Memory Workout: 8 Easy Steps to Maximum Memory Fitness by Green, Cynthia R.
From: “poochie1_79@hotmail.com“>Leah Youmans” :
To: freesoul@kidsfreesouls.com
Subject: question re: my daughter
Date: Mon, 15 August 2005
To whom it may concern:
I have a six yr old girl, who does not seem to listen to anything
whatsoever. She is very high strung. I love her dearly but am at wits
end trying to make her listen and behave appropriately.
I am concerned that it is my fault, seeing as I have not been with her father since she was six months old. Also he has not been in her life as he chose not to be. She also makes a lot of sexual gestures and comments and this is a huge concern of mine. So I was wondering what I should do, and why this might be happening. I also have a nine yr old boy, who is the opposite. What can I do to help her? Any suggestions I am willing to take any step to help her out, and find out what what is going on in her little mind.
Hi Leah Youmans,
A very difficult child is active and intense. She has less threshold of tolerance and frustrate easily. They have the nervous temperaments, fear gripping back on their minds when they foresee disapproval, disinterest or even scorn. The child feels a sense of failure and gradually their behavior pattern changes. They become stubborn, stop listening and act in strange ways. A family break up is
stressful for a child at any age. In case of younger children, psychologists feel, they are most vulnerable to the stresses of divorce and child may have to contend with the feelings that originated in his or her parents’ breakup. A six yr old child
grows up to awareness of a parental separation and as such, the helplessness strikes on tender mind suffocating her to speak but her attitudinal behavior changes to concern. They crave for attention and as a result, they throw all sorts of tantrums and stop listening and disobey.
It so happens that early schooling too is like a room full of strangers. They face the separation anxiety and children sometimes respond by reverting to infantile behavior. A five/six year old will act like a toddler or show negative behavior and become upset at the parent’s sudden disappearance. Reading readiness is also a hotly debated topic in educational and psychological circles. In the past, nursery schools and kindergartens focused on teaching four and five year old, basic social and motor skills: how to follow instructions, participate in group activities and hold a crayon or pencil for best results. Not until the first grade, when they were six or so, were most children considered emotionally and mentally ready to be taught reading and arithmetic. Some parents feel early headstart in life and esp. a single parent is
quite apprehensive and go for early training which might make the child feel failure and think they do not know and can’t accomplish.
Moreover, sibling rivalry is a major concern these days. In experiencing the give and take of relationship with parents and family, the child become aware of feelings of mutual love and trust, a child moves beyond self involvement to interest in other people. A child should be free of mind from ‘me’ and ‘mine’. The parent need to
demonstrate equal love. A six year child do not have self controlled ways to channel her frustrations and to vent her emotion. If you want the child to behave better, decide on the specific behavior you would like to change. Tell her exactly what you want her to do and show how to do it. If she whines when she wants something, tell her to ask you, ‘Jessy, when you want a chocolate ice-cream scoop, say, “Mom, may have have a choco ice-cream?” If she isn’t listening, you demonstrate yourself on how to listen to her and than, calmly say what you want her to listen. The calmer you are, the child will be less aggressive. Moreover, adopt ‘Praise’ theory.Focus your praise on behavior and not the child. You are interested in controlling the child, so praise the behavior. Say, “It’s good girl that you are sitting so quiety and listening to me. I am so happy.” Continue as new behavior needs that support.Praise correct things and by this way, your expectations are seen and you continue to hold your own model of good behavior before her. Children should learn to experience consequences of their acts and it teaches them to be responsible for what they do.Discipline is setting boundaries. Do not be a critic
but be a model and guide ‘Do as I say and not as I do’ For this, the parent need to focus on self managing and ask yourself :
1. By my approach of discipling, what I want the child to do?
2. What I want her to learn?
3. Is my style of guidance and direction, cool and calm way?
4. How is she faring under my guidance
5. Am I getting positive results? If not, why? What are loop-holes?
6. Is my guidance consistent with my own values?
7. Am I pressurizing the kid too much?
8. Am I devoting love, time to the kid?
9. Am I frustrated, get irritated soon, hyper over things?
Here, you need a change where you feel you lag behind. This will help change the child’s attitude too. Just remember, Great Kids too, misbehave!
Now, using sexual gestures and comments is indeed a concern! Children should be encouraged to indulge in playing games and activities and join in same age groups. Normally, girls prefer dads and boys prefer moms and this is quite a normal tendency of opposite sex attraction. When the girl misses a dad, she feels alone. Sexual
gestures come out of awareness and feelings – Recognising achievements and encouragement is missed when she is successful and strive for recognition of some praiseworthy work done. She would mean to say, “Watch me Daddy, watch me mom” but when dad’s motivation and encouragement is missing, frustration grips.
Moreover, exposure to television, violence, adult behavior is risky. Stop such shows and do not allow kids to watch nor should a parent watch it. Even a scene on sex is anxiety for a kid and in wierdest mood swings, the child exhibit sexual gestures and comments. Instil good habits, say ‘You’re too early for this’ and under no circumstances, allow the child to use sexual gestures and comments. Discipline should be on priority and express your views. It is also important that your children really know how much you love them. Siblings always feel that their parents love them less and hence, it’s best to create a better bond with your kids.Demonstrate love and participate in your child’s life. Say, “Jessy, I have been so busy lately that I have’nt got time to tell you a story” I miss it. I enjoy being with you. I will tell you the story today (or on sunday) and we can have great fun together” Keep the commitment too. Make her feel special. Make her feel that you’re happy to be her mom. Say, “I am lucky to be your mom as you are a loving girl like Red Riding Hood”.
This may work positive. Listen to her and she listens to you. Give gold stars for good behavior and avoid for bad. Keep counting…..patience is the rarest virtue.
From: “wendolyn villafane” – w.villafane@worldnet.att.net“>w.villafane@worldnet.att.net
Re: behavior problems
Hi, my name is Wendolyn. I have a problem with my son. My son lives with myself and his step dad. His real dad is constantly in and out of his life. His teacher always sends a report and says he is misbehaving. I’m wondering if having a dad and a step dad has taken a toll on him phscologically. After he either sees his dad or gets of the phone with him he acts different towards us. Not to mention this past November I had a baby girl. My son is six. I’m thinking this might have something to do with his behavior too. Also any advice on be patient and have time for both of my kids and still have my house cleaned and the cooking done. Thanks
From: “sussana rebeiro”- stan_sus@hotmail.com“>stan_sus@hotmail.com
Subject: Free counseling for 4 yrs old boy
Hi ilaxi!
My nephew is 4yrs old his name is Sean. He is staying with mother and she is divorcee. His behaviour seems different. He is too pampered. For even small things hurts him a lot and he burst out very easily. Many times we find that he talks to himself. He is very aggressive not attentive in school, dont listen to teacher some times mischievous and sometimes he is very serious. Irreregular in eating habits. Always say no. He try to mix with other children but other children avoids him.
Kindly revert back on the same as soon as possible.
Regards,
Sussana Rebeiro
Hi Wendolyn, Sussana Rebeiro
I remember reading an article ‘Ways to better communicate with Kids’ – Now how can you communicate to a child whose brain cells are already activated with negative effects of an early family life problem? This is rather a crucial situation when a six year old boy has to stay with his step dad with shadows of real dad hovering in and out of his life. Fear, anxiety, rejection, shame like feelings deviate the small mind and as a result he becomes aggressive, hyper, devious. His behavior turns irrational and he lacks all discipline that is required. He feels the inferior complex within. The child feels a sense of abandonment and especially when there is a divorce and the child faces a stepparent. Youngsters may also feel that the decision to remarry is a sign they are inadequate, the proof being that the parent has chosen another partner. However, re-marriage is harder on girls as psychologists say, stepchildren should have a disciplined family atmosphere. Behavioral specialists suggest that a child should not be allowed to get away with murder feel and stepparent should have authority on disciplined family rules. In cases where the child faces emotional traumas when talking to real parent and his phones or visit makes him irks, in such cases, the real parent should be avoided and more contact with step dad would make the child forget himself being guilty for facing rejection. In younger kids, memories fade faster and the child turns for love for the person who remains in constant touch with him depending on how the step parent treat him.
It’s time you learn Emotional intelligence and more you develop your own as soon as there is a divorce case. The child’s inner fear on forging new family ties makes him foresee the myths of stepparents too. Stepparents are so often portrayed as cruel and heartless in fairy tales. The truth of the matter is that, regardless of how real life stepparent treat their stepchild, the youngsters are likely to harbor resentments that can turn even the kindest stepparent into a fairy tale monster. Most children fantasize that their birth parents will someday reunite, a dream that a new marriage shatters. And it is the stepparent whom the child most often blames, however unfairly, for the destroying the fantasy. The child possess mix feelings of anger and jealousy and alongwith powerful resentment feelings, their characters turn into ‘splitting’ as termed by ‘Behavioral psychologists’. The child faces a change and as point of feelings of abandonment, his actions reverse and he acts odd as :
* They want, almost crave for attention
* They want to be in control – not pampered but disciplined
* They want to get back at you for what he has been affected
* They are frustrated – feel lost and feel as if their love is shared
Patience is the need of the hour in such situations when the child’s behavior is obnoxious. Early influences play lasting roles in kids. The brunt of raising a family mainly falls on a woman despite of efforts at equalizing the burden. Sibling rivalry should be avoided too. The elder child turns rebellion and so would the younger sibling get provoked into contrary behavior. A balance needs to be maintained and both treated in a natural way without either getting emotionally hurt. (Read Siblings case) ‘Spare the rod and love the child’ be the phrase and caringly the child can be taught to discipline with words, actions, and examples to shape the child’s behavior. Its basic purpose is to steer a child away from dangerous and unacceptable behavior and toward self-control. Almost all research indicates that behavior is most effectively shaped by rewarding acceptable conduct and withholding rewards, if conduct is unacceptable. By self rewards, children learn self discipline. Punishment simply suppresses behavior. Shower the child with verbal praises for his good actions and hence, for his wrong actions, he would not only listen but feel guilty and improve upon his own behavior with his capacity to think his way. Give him occasional gifts and make him feel important. Let there not be Love withdrawal instead, patiently tackle the situation. A teacher’s complaint should not make the child rebel with your negative action but firmly deal the complaint and make the kid understand that he is guilty, feel sorry and should be responsible. Such kids, vent out their hyper sensitive nature, get irritated and become aggressive as their emotional quotient is always high. They would mis-behave in classroom, have fights with friends or prefer aloofness instead of mixing up and making friends. Their eating habits too become erratic as they mental stability is imbalanced. While handling school complaints, Say ‘My dear I know how hurt you must be when your teacher scolded you for your misbehavior in the class. I know you did not mean it. Just please don’t feel bad about it but next time don’t put yourself in your teacher’s shoes with your such misbehavior, okay?’ See the results. This might turn the child, gradually a milder one in time to come and more wisdom would come his mind. Once his mood swings are in control, his eating habits would become normal too. Neglect, physical abuse and emotional abuse should always be avoided and stop – Check out your own ‘curses’, shoutings or bickerings ‘I wish you were never born’ or ‘Damn it, I can’t manage things..whatever’ – This will only further make him feel resentment. Children immitate too faster so stop thinking on ‘What happened’ – past is past and start Living for today in a positive manner and your very own thought process would make things set right soon enough! Relax and stay cool!
FROM Marinel_Edu@abs.pinoycentral.com“>MARINEL EDU
Manila, Philippines
Dear ilaxi,
I hope you bear with my email. I am really concerned about my son’s behavior. We have lavished love and attention to our 7 yr old son before our 3 yr old came along (and we try very hard upto now to still give him that love/attention even when the younger one is already there) But I don’t understand why he seems not to care for his brother. Not sharing food, toys, very much impatient with his brother, fighting, etc.
Plus, most of the time, I’m at a loss as to what kind of discipline will work for him…Small but irritating stuff, like when he’s laughing very hard, real hard, that the laughter is really annoying to everyone around him. And when I ask him to ‘soften’ his joy a little or tell him to keep a little quiet, he just wouldn’t listen. I don’t want to resort to physical punishments but when I am stressed from work, plus the house work, I often hit him – only to be guilty of it later on.
I am confused. I love them but find myself frustrated. I am now beginning to question myself as a good mother to my kids.
-Marinel
Hi Marinel
Siblings has ever been Homegrown rivals from age old time. Authors like Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish has published books like Siblings Without Rivalry & How to Talk so kids will Listen & Listen so kids will Talk. However, my in-depth study on the psychology of childrens’ minds reveal the facts that their attitudes are solely dependent on their circumstances and their upbringing levels at home & school. It’s one thing sure any kid require is ‘Love, patience & Self Esteem.’
Movies like Sound of Music painted a glowing picture of a big family with warmth, sharing and fun and ready to support playmates. They reflect the belief that large families encourage resourcefulness, independence and responsibility while discouraging selfishness and feeling sorry for oneself.
Not anymore! Some think that a big family can be a buffer against what they see as the rootless ness and isolation of modern life. Whatever, the brunt of raising a family falls mainly on the woman, despite efforts at equalizing the burden. Even in fairy tales – in 112 of the Grimm’s’ fairy tales, it is found that the youngest child came out a winner in battles with everything from evil gnomes to jealous siblings 92 percent of the times. Sometimes it so happens that fathers pay more attention to the oldest child, particularly if that child was a son. In a three children family, often a middle child is virtually ignored at the dinner table too. It happens that firstborns, pay a price for their special status. Parents may be more critical and negative when their eldest child does not live up to their expectations. Not surprisingly, first children can become perfectionists who feel great tension resulting from the pressure to do well.
Psychologists caution against casting children in specific roles: the quiet one, athletic one, smart one, clumsy one and even a negative type can provide harmful self image that a child may carry throughout his life. Sibling rivalry is a competition for the affection and attention of their parents. Two best known Bible stories deal with bitter feuds between brothers – The Cain and Abel and the rivalry of Joseph and his brothers. Sibling rivalry appears to be more intense the closer children are in age. Example : a 7 year old boy and a 3 year old. and esp. with children of same sex. When the relationship between the older and younger sibling is hostile, the older one can become a model not for emulation but for rebellion. It is the parents reaction to the sibling rivalry that strongly influence whether the children will develop feelings of intense hostility or will be content with being no more than good natured competitors.
Sometimes, parents assume that they treat children alike, the same rules, the same expectations, the same opportunities – regardless of difference in age, sex and temperament. Paradoxically, this behavior often fosters the very rivalry parents are trying to avoid. Psychologists authors of ‘Siblings without Rivalry’ suggest that instead of thinking of equality in everything from parental attention to music lessons, parents should be sensitive to each child’s individual needs. Usually, when the younger child is born, the older is bewildered one as at the corner of his mind, he is scared of his own security and unwilling to share the parental love. Early influences play lasting roles. Anxieties hover round the older child and the very same time when the kid is entering into the first year schooling stages in a room full of strangers. The idea of being cut off from one’s mother in alien surrounding and knowing the fact that the younger one is at home, the kid fills up emotions close to panic. The new born baby isn’t a threat to the older brother or sister but as the younger kid is little old enough to get in the way, grabbing toys, knocking over things, pulling parents attention and more, the older child discovers that he has to fight for his rights too. It is natural for the bigger one to try to push his younger brother, who more often, worship his older hero despite his injustices. ‘Dan has messed up my parking lot! All my cars were in a row!’ And like an ego-eccentric he still is at his age, the older one assumes his younger brother should know better.
When parents treat kids as older ones and leave them to themselves, they treat this not as freedom but as rejection. They begin to believe that their parents don’t love them anymore or don’t love as much as before. The key is communication. Words can empower and give the child the knowledge that you love them even more they can think. Are you talking about love? Does your communication run along the lines of ‘Don’t pick on your little brother’, ‘Don’t laugh like that’, ‘Take the trash out or Get this’ – Your annoyance adds fuel to fire because the behavior pattern of the child leads to his pranks due to distracted, distressed and disturbed mind, full of helplessness and getting concluded to the point that ‘I am not wanted or rather, I am not any more loved’ Demonstrating love is very important and telling the child that he is so special. “I enjoy your friendship’ or ‘I can always count on your support’ or ‘You make me feel so happy and proud that you are my older son/younger son’. Such statements become so meaningful. A parents committed dedication is counted. Compliment the child when required. Criticize the action, not the kid. ‘Don’t hit your brother or ‘Heyy you, don’t disturb me. Can’t you see I am tired and busy after a lousy day and top of it, I’ve things to do’ Instead hush up ‘Sam, without my having to tell you, you gotta help me boy. I need your help’. Sometimes, parents pop up the past saying ‘This is the seventh time this month you’ve been told to be good. You’re being naughty again. Repetition only lands up making the child dumb head as they hear not love and encouragement but nagging. Another mistake parents often make is that as adults, they set rules and think that they don’t have to apologize. They feel the guilt but do not deem important to make amends. We have same responsibilities to our children as we do to our adult friends, spouse or co-workers and hence, if you are wrong, admit and say so to the child in a nice way. Sometimes busy schedules make it difficult to cope up and avoid Listening to your kid. Let him know you are listening with heart and mind. Don’t be defensive saying ‘come say fast, you are slow, I believe you are telling me..’ When a parent listens, kids know that you care and respect them. They will know they are emotionally secure in your love.
Self esteem is very important which determines their inner wellness. A child need to be physically safe (freedom from physical harm), emotional security, identity (who am I ), affiliation (a sense of belonging), Competence (how capable one feels) and his role as elder brother/younger brother. Let not the kid face ‘victim’ behavior. Every child needs a healthy self esteem. School dropouts, drug abuse, destructive behavior, for the most part, have a lot to do with a child’s self esteem. The child would not develop warm relationship due to damaged sense of self. The need for positive self regard is obvious. The higher children’s self esteem, the more secure, decisive, friendly, trusting, cheerful, optimistic and purposeful they are. They feel responsibility and have control over their own actions. If they possess higher self esteem, they find ways to get along with others and respond positively and strive to be useful, helpful, purposeful and responsible. Above all, the child with self esteem feels more secure and overcome fear and anxiety. They treat others with respect and their mannerisms change from being destructive and damaging. Concentrate on constructive ways of changing behavior and get to discipline without shouting or spanking. Try to avoid power struggles by avoiding beat-the-clock technique saying ‘get to bed faster’ or the like. Punishments has impact because of its certainty not severity. Discuss consequences in advance with children. They need to understand that they are responsible for their actions. Children need continuity of guidance and when they learn the consequences of their acts, it teaches them to be responsible for what they do. When we say ‘Don’t do that to your brother’, we tend to overlook the good behavior we see. Children need to see both sides of the results of their behavior. Just as ignoring rules and misbehaving have consequences, being good and behaving well have consequences. Just as one do with bad behavior, emphasize specifically what good behavior brought about the consequence. ‘Bins, you did a good job by keeping all things organized in your room’ . Instead of a Don’t touch…don’t do, praises of good actions makes them know you love and care too.
Teaching kids spirituality is a part sometimes parents ignore. Moral science is one topic that builds their faith in god and make them ‘Be good, Do good’ Tell them spiritual stories, songs at bed time or stories that has good morals to boost the innocent mind. Teach prayers. Children live what they see. Children who grow up seeing parents believing in god’s existence and ability to hear and answer their prayers learn to believe the power of prayer at a young age and will remember life time. This would shake their conscious and find answers between what’s good, what’s bad and adopt better behavior patterns.
Things begin to straighten off as time flies. Room is made for the growth of tender, loving and protective feelings toward the younger sibling or older as case be. A time comes when the two form a world, maybe defend or disagree but also find solace in one another’s company when they are lonely esp. when the parents not around. ‘It’s mine, I had it first’ sort of resentment, pushing and hitting is replaced with closeness, of love, sharing joys and sorrows. Parents who find such sibling problems can recall how you felt being low man on the totem pole. If you were the oldest, you may lean backward to see that the older child never experiences the jealousy you felt. And, while we usually love all our children with the same amount of love, we love each of them differently. It makes a child happier to know (when they are able to understand) that you love them both the ‘best’ in different ways. These are your children’s trials in dealing with their first intense emotions of jealousy and self worth and these are the times when as a parent one helps them how to share, give and take, a basis for loving well. Getting frustrated with Siblings problems is no solution – god has fashioned a way of loving and nurturing the tender hearts with warmth and love which is the real ‘roots of love’ – all about loving relationships!
From: sarahc@uspersonnel.com“>Sarah Cavazos
Dear ilaxi,
My 7 year old just participated his school’s field day and didn’t fare too well – but he sure tried. Hence, he went and kicked the school building and threw away his participating ribbons and moped around for the rest of the day. How do I sympathetically but firmly approach this? -Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Competitions do not mean winning or standing first or in order. It gives opportunity to experience and find way out from losing to winning edge. Let the kid learn from experience so as not to let this frustration flick back again. ‘Everyone likes to win but most of, its good you are enjoying and having fun’ should be the attitude that keeps the child hooked to the Sport. Participating in the School field day itself helps to build confidence but if luck do not favor or for some reason, the child fails, his willingness to accept defeat is on back seat. Why me? Why I lost? And this frustration plays the role of your child’s mental process. Feelings of hopelessness and guilt has taken roots within his brain cells and he seems to be hurt to extent that makes him fling things, be destructive, have a sense of withdrawal from people and hve unreasonable fears or phobias that he is a failure and cannot accept defeat under any circumstances.
In such situations, I feel that a parental / teacher’s attitude towards the child can pull him out of his hurt feelings and face defeat in a positive manner:
Parental calm and positive influence play a major role. Kids need to be treated with respect and love, with no ridiculing, sarcastic remarks or let downs. Expectations may be towards winning way but sports should be ‘sharp one’ Attitude with lots of entertainment and humor. Show him the love and say soothing words “Yeah, sure you tried your best but anyways, there’s always another chance. All cannot win, after all”
Talking Therapy works wonders. Divert the mind from game play and indulge in interesting talks or stories. The child memory is too short lived and his resentment can be turned into a lively kid by talking to him about all he likes and is interested in.
Check the mood blues by adding in creativity. The inflated self esteem needs to be worn back again. The higher children’s self esteem, the better able they are to cope with the ups and downs of life. The more self esteem the child develops, the more secure they are in confronting obstacles, fears and defeats. Kids with low self esteem see problems as grounds for quitting and often say “I quit or I give up” and flair. Instead of comparing their achievements with their own goals and potential, they compare themselves with others and get frustrated.
Let the kid develop sense of being optimistic. There is always another day to win instead of feeling ‘I Lost’ Give your own example and recollect your own childhood days. Narrate a few of your ups n downs, twists n turns and talk to the kid, how you faced odd situations and embarrassments.
Failure is never final, success is never ending – Build Sports spirit in the child and teach him the first steps to face challenges in life. Defeat is only a challenge. Talk to the kid to build a positive sense of identity. Who I am? Why I failed? Is my attitude okay? And the realization comes through when the child is helped to understand own self, own weak points. He should be disciplined to know and act what is right – what is wrong behaviour. This self realization makes the kid a well balanced mind and disciplined in his behaviour during times of his frustration.
Make the child more tolerant. The kids who learn to cope with bad times and its this time when values of tolerance is more necessary for them to divert their minds to shrug off the hatred from the heart. An emotional trauma needs much more care than a broken bone. Talk to the kid with love and care. Treat him nice instead of being angry or saying harsh words. Words break the heart more, so let not the parental anxiety/anxiousness add fuel to fire and keep the cool, calm n composed self to turn the situation normal. Time heals.
Some kids tend to be aggressive and always be the winner. It is during these times Sports Spirits instill the faith, courage, loyalty, tolerance, brotherhood, all natural virtues which prepare to support in difficult situations without weaknesses. Anger, frustration, self pity, all the so called negative emotions generally have a bad effect on performances, after all.
( Suggested Reading : Honing skills – Whiff of sports)
Are you concerned with your Kids behavior patterns? Are you bugged with problems yourself as a parent or teacher?
Share your experiences, exchange thoughts! If you have a say on any of the above topics, please feel free to write. Do mention age, city and country you reside alongwith brief questions. I hope my answers would soothe the troubled minds but heyy!
It’s up to you! I can only Guide you.
I held no responsibility on how you view & act upon the advice.
Open up, Speak up!
E-mail ilaxi, Kidsfreesouls
freesoul@kidsfreesouls.com“>ilaxi patel | kiranagpal@rediffmail.com“>kirandeep | vaidyanathan.pv@gmail.com“>Dr. Vaidhyanathan
