TV watching Habits:

My children watch far too much television. When I try to get them to read or play outside, they have no interest. I've taken the TV sets from their bedrooms, but they find a way to get to watch their favourite shows anyway. What should I do to keep them away from the TV?
-Parul Shah

Dear Parul,

TV watching is not bad if it is monitored in the time and content of the shows. If there are a set of acceptable shows that your children want to watch, there is no harm in letting them do so. But in scenarios where kids have become TV addicts, certain things need to be taken care of:

1. Make a clear set of rules regarding the time and the serials your kids watch. Set a reasonable limit for time or the number of watched shows. Get your kids to agree on the same and then make sure they stick to the same. When they are done with their shows, turn off the TV and if you have the option, child- lock it.

2.You could put them on interesting and educational films once in while such as ‘Sound of Music’, ‘Flubber’, ‘Jurassic Park’, etc. Also include regional films for children. It would increase their knowledge and curiosity.

3.Find out other alternatives of engaging them, such as doing an interesting and fun activity together. It could be making puppets and putting up a show by creating a script and practising voice modulations.

4. You need to identify what is it that they like doing besides watching TV. You need to experiment to know that. You could think of craft ideas like origami, clay modelling, paper mache, etc. Maybe they’ll enjoy swimming, going for a run, playing with friends, going for a trek or some adventure sport.

5. Try getting more children (cousins, friends, and neighbours) involved in these kinds of activities. That would make it more interesting. You could even organise a cartoon making camp where they can create their own cartoons, either on paper or on the computer.

6. Many times, watching TV seems to be the only entertainment option for kids and adults alike. That is why we need to generate more options for enjoying and entertaining ourselves.

7.  This would apply to you too, if TV is your major source of entertainment. You can’t do what you ask your children to avoid. So even you would need to reduce your TV watching and look out for other creative and mentally and physically stimulating options.

8. Maybe all of you can have a family time in which you plan what to do each day, like one day could be a dance day, then a music day, or a poetry day and so on. Once you begin to think outside the box, ideas for creative fun will start coming to you. Maybe no one around you does such things but so what! You can begin and who knows, others will follow.

9. Find out other entertainment options in and around your city, besides hotels and movies. Look out for dance workshops, karaoke set ups, martial arts, music clubs, activity groups, etc. Cultivating a hobby is the best thing you can do for yourself as well as your children. It is a means of self expression and satisfaction. Encourage the development of a hobby in your children. It could be anything from maintaining a scrap book to cooking; whatever it is that keeps them occupied, active and happy.

10. Avoid severe steps like disconnecting the cable service or rebuking. They may actually make things worse. Rather work towards achieving a collective understanding about the TV watching rules. Explain to them why you’re setting these rules. Allow them the stipulated time and then switch off the TV.

11. Also don’t offer snacks or food while the kids are watching TV. Elders of the house must also take care of the same.

KEYS POINTERS:

SETTING CLEAR TV TIME AND MENU FOR FAMILY

WATCHING EDUCATIONAL MOVIES

ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF LIKED ENTERTAINMENT

CREATING AND FINDING FUN EVENTS

AVOIDING HARSH STEPS AND MEASURES: CREATING REASONING AND RESPONSIBLE ATMOSPHERE

AVOIDING SNACKING DURING TV TIME

 Dear Kirandeep,

My son is studying in 4th std. He works very hard yet his problem is that he cannot remember what he learns. During final examination preparations, he revised all lessons with me for more than 4/5 times - oral as well as written. In spite of this, he could not remember due to which, out of frustration, I lose my temper. I became so helpless that I do not know how to make him learn his lessons. Objective seems to be good for him but Question answers, short notes, compositions, experiments were all so tough for him to remember.

Can you please guide in this direction.

Dear Manisha,

Thank you for writing in to kidsfreesouls. It seems like both you and your son are very strong willed and patient to revise all his lessons 4/5 times. Manisha, many times we don’t get the desired results for our hard work because of various reasons. We need to identify those reasons in your son’s case.
 

I believe that each child is very capable and unique. Hence, I am sure that your son too is extremely capable and has a lot of potential. Various factors could be affecting his performance of the same.
 

It could be exam stress or anxiety coupled with high expectations from him.
 

It could be fear of writing an exam and specifically fearing the long answers. So, in spite of knowing the long answers during the time of revision, fear of the same and a negative attitude towards them, may be the immediate cause, according to me.
 

We as parents play a major role in our children’s confidence levels. On the same lines, we are also the ones largely responsible for instilling the fear of various things in them.

So, another aspect you could look at is to trust your child and believe in him rather than doubting his potential and his performance. I would take it as a fact that both of you have done and continue to do things to the best of your capabilities. Focus on this fact and watch your temper be replaced by a feeling of compassion and understanding for your child.
 

Certain techniques can aid memory and exam performance. You could try whichever suits you.

One technique is to mark out the IMPORTANT POINTS for long answers and make memory mnemonics for remembering those points. For example, VIBGYOR represents the colours of the rainbow, Violet, Indigo, Blue, Green, Yellow, Orange and Red.

You could also MAKE TUNES for the points if that works for him.

Make DIAGRAMS AND FLOW CHARTS to represent concepts and long answers. Visual form of data is very effective for many people.

PASTE important points and diagram- depiction of long answers ON THE WALLS OR SOFT BOARD; whichever would strike the eyes. Make it colourful and attractive.

Encourage your son to WORD HIS OWN ANSWERS around the main points. This would prevent relying entirely on text books language. It puts things in his control.

You could also paste POSITIVE AND MOTIVATIONAL THOUGHTS.
 

COMMUNICATE to him that you love him no matter what he does. So, he will not be afraid of losing your trust and faith in him.

Remember that learning can be through various modes, audio, visual, tactile, etc. Use these to find out which mode your child prefers using.

To avoid pressurizing or over emphasizing on the failure to write long answers, it would help to SHIFT THE MODE FROM SERIOUS TO FUN. Making study fun and interactive works well for kids.

Try to make your child EXPERIENCE what he is studying rather than just rote learning. This will make his knowledge base strong and also help him recall better. For instance, you could take him to a geographically significant location nearby, or to a museum, a science park, etc. TO HELP HIM SEE, TOUCH AND SENSE KNOWLEDGE in a 3 dimensional world rather than in plain text books.

You could also introduce your son to RELAXATION TECHNIQUES like meditation (it could be total involvement in any activity of his choice), deep breathing, reciting of verses from holy scriptures, resonating the sound of ‘aum’, yogic exercises like shavasana and giving positive suggestions to self, for example, Saying to self in a relaxed state, ‘I am capable of doing all that I want.’ ‘I remember and write my long answers well.’ ‘I am at ease and confident during my exams.’

You could also think of INCLUDING THINGS HE LIKES DOING, in his schedule. That will ensure his enthusiasm, zest, self- confidence and motivation remain intact. After all, these are the most important forces in life. Also, convey to him that his capabilities are not questioned just because he cannot remember and write answers. Show him and yourself that he is good at so many other unique things. This is to develop a BALANCED VIEW OF HIMSELF right from this tender age.

Remember, our attitude makes all the difference. THINKING POSITIVE, increases the chances of success. We must also believe fully in those positive affirmations.
 

Remember, no situation or problem is bigger than us. Everything can be achieved if we have the right attitude and the right techniques. Hope this has answered your query and you have found what you were looking for.
 

Warm Regards,

Kirandeep.
 

KEY POINTS:

Stress

Fear

Exam anxiety, too much pressure

Use techniques- points, use of own words, understanding and interest

Knowledge more important than marks

Concentration and relaxation exercises

Make study fun

Practical study- showing and experiencing is different from mugging up

Include other activities as well- ‘all study and no play makes Jack a dull boy’

Encourage him and reward him when he tries and insist more on trying rather than getting good marks

Be happy and don’t worry. Do your best and leave the rest! Childhood and parenthood are too precious to be lost in anxieties

Dear Kirandeep,

Referring to your previous note on modifying parenting practices, I would like to know more about being patient and understanding towards our children. My daughter is 4 years old and very energetic. She does not understand when I explain things and is also very stubborn. Also with the birth of my second child, she has become even more mischievous. I sometimes lose my cool.

I read your article on sibling rivalry and realized why my daughter was behaving so different and have changed my approach since then. Now I would want to work on my temper to avoid unpleasant events for my daughter and me. What would you suggest for temper control?

Dear Mother,

First of all, let me congratulate you for being so honest with your short coming. Many of us suffer from anger but very few parents realize it and come out with it like you have. I view this as a positive and promising beginning for you to control your temper.

You also seem to be very self aware and pro active. So it would be easy for you to realize and point out when your temper is invalid and uncalled for. Once you can catch yourself at the point when you get angry, half your work is done!

Now, I understand that you have the responsibility of a young one in addition to your daughter. So it must be overwhelming for you at times. I would suggest you take your time out from your daughter, in your own way, at such times. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself about why you want to control your temper. Once you’ve gained clarity and control you can bounce back and continue your interactions.

Also, calm yourself or practice some relaxation or meditation whenever you find some time. Make sure you do it regularly. You can refer to my previous note on relaxation.

You will also find some good meditation techniques at www.oshoworld.com.

Secondly, you must aim to understand your anger.

Where does it stem from?

What do you feel before you lose your temper?

In what situations do you feel so?

When does it generally happen?

What do you expect from the person involved?

Are you able to communicate that expectation well?

You will notice that anger situations involve some unfulfilled expectations which lead to despair and frustration. So, the key lies in

-         Communicating your expectations well

-         Having a back up plan if the expectations are not met

Once you have jotted down the causes and clauses of your anger, you get to know it. Once you know it, you can control it.

For example, if you know that you tend to get angry when your daughter ignores you when you ask her to change from her uniform and remove her shoes, you can be alert particularly at that time, with a back up plan, like- ‘If she does not do so, I will let her be. She can remove it when she wants.’

You can also get involved with your church activities or a meditation group. I would suggest you look up this link for a deeper understanding of human nature:

For more in depth information on dealing with anger, I would suggest the following books for you.

“The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life” by Les Carter

“When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent's Guide ” by Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg, Dana Landis and Matthew McKay

Hope I have answered your question adequately. Keep the faith!

Kirandeep

Dear Kidsfreesouls.com,

I was just reading on your site and bookmarked it....Your advice is very sound and solid. So, I was wondering if you could direct me as to how to deal with my daughter?

I am a single mom with a very limited income and I don't know what else to do except to go try to find free help online somehow. My daughter comes from a broken home. I divorced my ex 4 years ago. We just recently, about a year ago moved to Texas from Virginia. My daughter has great friends in school. But seems to be depressed a lot.

She draws constantly and says that it helps with her depression it makes her feel happy...though...she is obsessed with it...to a point that it is affecting her grades and school work, she is failing. She admits she is obsessed a cant help herself. I dont know what to do nor how to approach the situation and get past it...I dont have the money to take her to a therapist. Would love to find an online service that has counselors that she can chat with that I could pay a very affordable service fee and she could get on the internet and chat for advice and to help keep her going in the right direction....

She is on the pc a lot and also loves to role play. Could  you help direct me as to how to get through this and get my daughter (Keri) out of the hole she has put herself in and thinking in a more healthy light. I have tried to reason with her and make her realize the  seriousness of her education and what it means to her...I dont know what else to do.

-Jeanene Milanak

Dear Jeanene,

I understand that you are going through a tough time but your daughter seems to be going through a tougher time.

You need to first identify the reasons for your daughter’s self proclaimed depression. Ask her about what is bothering her- Is it the moving? Is it any person in her or your life? Or is she missing daddy? How does she feel towards you? Is there any anger in her? What do friends and teachers tell her? How do they view her? Get to know these aspects indirectly while talking to her.

Ask her about her drawings, the theme, what she means to depict, who is drawn, which situations are portrayed, what colours and strokes she uses, etc. Even this can give you an insight into her feelings. You can then clarify by asking her about it.

Find out what she does on the pc: What kind of sites she is visiting? Which games is she playing? Is there any unpleasant thing on the net that she has seen?
It could be anything. But you need to be aware.

Talk to her as a friend rather than preaching about things. Ask her what she feels or thinks about different things. Find out what does Keri really need and make it available to her.

You mentioned that you’re a single mother. Do you yourself get stressed out and express certain things to her? If yes, you must avoid that at all costs. Be fair to her.

Do you spend enough time with your daughter? Is she getting enough of your love and affection? She needs the comfort of a mother and the security of a father, which depends now solely on you and the way you deal with her. So make sure you’re there for her when she needs to talk.

Make exclusive time for the two of you where you indulge in fun activities, maybe watch comedy movies together, or go swimming, anything within your range and that she enjoys.

Convey to her that you love her a lot. Show physical affection whenever you can.

Discuss about various topics with her.

Invite her friends over sometimes and organize a fun evening for them. That would give both of you a reason to loosen up.

It is not easy to be a single mother but remember that it isn’t easy being a child of a single parent either!

You could also go through the link given on the editorial page for divorced parents and children.

Good luck to you. Hope you found some solace and answers to your queries.

Kirandeep.