COUNSELLING Q & A & Insights
 

I am a 13 year old boy studying in a reputed school of Mumbai. I have a difficulty making friends and fitting into groups. I don’t talk too much and brag too much like the other popular boys. My parents have always taught me good values and I think I am a good person but looks like no one wants me as their friend. That makes me sad. I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?

- Ajit. 

What a clear and honest approach you have shown towards your problem. You seem to know very well what your parents have instilled in you. You choose to be a good person unlike some of your other peers and I think that is extremely mature and brave of you.   

Since you said that you do not talk too much, it indicates that maybe you need to open up a little more. You may have noticed that no two people are alike. They will be different in some way or the other. Even friends may have totally different personalities and still be each other’s confidants. Open up to the fact that there are people who are outspoken, who brag about themselves, who have various positives and also various negatives. Begin to look beyond the negatives and you will find a lot of things in common. You may notice that the other fellow is worried and anxious about the same things as you are, that he/ she enjoys the same activities as you do, that you can confide in that person and vice versa. 

Of course friendship cannot be imposed. You can try to talk to the other person but giving the appropriate response is entirely the other person’s decision, right? So, go ahead and give it a try. Smile often, strike up a conversation about a general/ common topic, get to know more about the other person’s likes/ dislikes, reach out to them when they are in need, if they tell you something, keep it to yourself and be resourceful to the other person. If you feel comfortable, invite some of your good acquaintances home for a game or brunch. Be honest and sincere. As the old saying goes, to befriend somebody, be a friend first.  

You need not get too desperate. Friendships develop over time. You need not give in to unrealistic demands made by friends just to be accepted. Use your discretion about how far you would go to establish friendship. In case of difficulty, keep talking to someone you trust and feel comfortable with like your parents, or siblings or a friend.     

Build on your strengths. Know what you are good at and continue doing that. It could be a hobby, academics, anything about you. Begin to develop your own identity- the things you identify with, what you love doing, the people who matter to you, the people you can count on, your dreams, ideas and thoughts, your feelings, etc. You could maintain a diary too. Strengthen yourself from all sides. Feel free to ask ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ to the people who take care of you.  

Another useful tip: Get your conversation skills in place, practice it with people you meet- your parents, strangers at a waiting room, co- travelers on the bus, your siblings, etc. Get acquainted with various subjects like games, novels, sports, news, music, etc. These will help you converse about these topics better and make feel more confident too! 

Stand in front of the mirror everyday before leaving for school and tell yourself, “Today is going to be a great day!”  I’m sure you will find your way through this. Good luck.

- Kirandeep

ADOPTION 

Parents of adopted children often wonder when is the right time to tell their kids they are adopted. Also, they wonder whether to tell them at all.

Well, my take on this issue is to tell the child as soon as you can, maybe while he/ she is still young. Of course the way it is told and understood matter a lot. There has to be a sensitivity and deeper understanding of the child to be able to reveal the fact well. The parents themselves must believe that the child is as good as their own. Once this feeling is present, half the battle is won.

Depending on the age and the understanding level of the child, you can tell the child that he has been adopted. You can convey through family photographs, the date on which he came home, where he was before that, etc. You can use stories and story books to help explain the child the meaning of adoption and how it made your family complete. Be patient and communicate with love and excitement of having the child in your family.

The child, once he knows that he is adopted, does generally wish to know who and where his real parents are and why they left him. This is another cause of concern for the adoptive parents. They feel anxious that once they let their child know who his biological parents are, he would form attachments with them and that could complicate things. This is partly true.

As parents we need to build that special bond with the adoptive child, so that he develops full confidence and trust in us. This feeling of security within the family will ensure that he doesn’t turn elsewhere for support and guidance. Meanwhile, he can always maintain his relationship with his biological parents, if all else is okay.

Always try and know the history of the child before adopting, so that you are equipped enough to answer his/her queries later.

Biological or adopted, a child is a gift of God and parents are God’s ways of showing that He cares and He is there with every child. What matters is the love, security, hope and esteem that you provide your child with. The child sees the world from your eyes. So, show him the best possible view of himself, of you, of his biological parents and the world. I would say that’s the true challenge and the true test of being a good parent!

 My name is Sangeetha and I am writing about my 10
yr old son .My son is a very intelligent and considerate kid who started
reading at the age of 3. His teachers advised us to have him tested and we
found out his IQ to be 135. He is extremely bright. My concern is that though
he does very well academically and gets along well with adults he has a hard
time getting along with kids his age and his peers. The kids always leave him
out of the group in school and also when we go to parties. And as a mom it
breaks my heart to see him so sad. I try to take some video games and books
when we go to parties so that he would not feel left alone but it does not
seem to work. He seems to get along well with his brother who is 6 years
old.(with the usual sibling spats but nothing serious).I am really worried
about him and at my wits end as to what to do?!!! My husband and I try to do
lot of family activity together so that he would not miss having
friends. Though he never complains sometimes he does come out and says "I
really wish I had some friends , I wonder why nobody likes me?". I'd really
appreciate if you could advice me how to deal with this. Thank you in
advance.

Sangeetha

Dear Sangeetha,

Your concern is very valid and I can understand your anguish as a parent. You mentioned that your son's IQ is 135, which is interpreted as very superior or genius. This could be one of the reasons that he gets along more with adults or children elder than him, because his mental level is much higher than his peers. I would say, consider him as an individual, with his unique qualities. Allow him to be with elder people who is comfortable with. Friendship does not have any age barrier. So, he can be friends with an 80 year old for that matter.

Also it would help to find out whether some behaviour of his, is putting off his age mates, and discuss that issue with him. Help him develop more social skills, as in what he could say or do with his age mates. Work on his attitude in the sense, help him know that in the process of making friends, if he is rejected, then it does not mean that he is not good enough. You could create situations in which he meets new people over common interests and develop the friendships which look promising; like joining an activity class of his interest. You could take the help of a child psychologist, occupational therapist or a counsellor to work on these issues with him.

You could look out for "child genius societies" in your city and get enrolled in their programmes too. You'll probably meet parents and children with a similar background.

Help your child to see that he is indeed gifted and work on his strengths. Help him in understanding social situations better by discussing real life situations with people and what it means.

Ask him to speak his heart out either to who he is comfortable with or write it out in a personal diary regularly. This way his emotions get expressed and he would feel lighter. Don't pity him, listen to and understand his feelings. Just be there, hang around. Help him understand himself and the world around him through casual discussions, family get-togethers, reading materials, movies, etc. I'm sure he'll come out through this phase wiser and happier.

Regards,
Kirandeep

My son goes to a reputed school in Mumbai.His IQ testing showing a full scale 87. He is at present in the Vth  grade. The Vth grade is proving to be taxing for him , in terms of academics and behaviour. He is being bullied a lot . I have been going regularly to school to be in touch they are of the opinion that he disturbs the class does some clowning , uses foul language . The teachers have nothing positive to say about him , I have been asking the school to let me know that what corrective measures am I supposed to take at home.  All these issues are not not be seen at home . He does have a sibling , a brother who is 7 1/2 years old , they share a good rapport they do argue and fight but never have I heard and foul language the only thing that I am noticing off late is that he begins to feel frustrated when he is losing a game or an argument. I am awaiting reports of his LD testing his . Kindly let me know how can I help him settle in school and what are the concessions that a school with inclusion policy have with respect to behaviour. Academically he manages to achieve 60% , without any tuitions or remedial. .

Umang

Hi Umang,

Your son seems to be doing quite well academically, without the tuitions and remediation.

You have mentioned that he gets bullied in school. He may be using foul language or making funny faces to gain attention or seek approval of classmates. Clowning is one way of being accepted by the peer group. If this is the case with him too, he needs to know that there are other ways of being accepted by friends. Also if there is true friendship, only his qualities will matter.

Try to gain his confidence so he can tell you the truth. Ask him whether he really uses foul language at school .Do any of his friends do that? Call his school friends over occasionally. That way you get to know his friends and his standing in the group.

Do not reprimand him or shout at him for his behavior unless you know really what is going on. Get to know the whole story first and rectify things rather than blaming him.

It will help if you expose him to various types of experiences, meeting new people, making more friends, doing new activities, learning practical things, etc. You can even teach him conversational and negotiating skills in everyday life.

Ask him what he wants, how he feels at school, what he likes and dislikes about school, what he needs from you at home and try to provide these things as far as possible. You need to understand first how he is feeling about himself, his school, his friends, his studies, his brother, you and your husband.

Create more family moments. Have various family rituals like playing a game of carom after dinner instead of watching TV, Going for an evening stroll or drive after studies, getting comedy movies to watch together, etc. This will make the children feel secure, relaxed and happy at home.

About the concessions, what sort of behavioural concessions are you talking about? Does he show some hyperactive traits as well?

Kirandeep.

I am a teacher at a reputed school in Mumbai. I have two students in class who I feel are intelligent but lag behind the class due to their poor writing skills. One child can understand and speak well but when it comes to writing, he just goes blank. Another can only understand the matter but not write or speak well about it. I suspect that they have learning problems. Could you guide me as to how I can help out these students?

Concerned teacher, Mary.

Dear Mary,

Your concern about these two students is quite appropriate. With your description of the problem they’re facing, it does seem like a learning difficulty. I would suggest that you send them for a detailed IQ testing, which can be followed by ‘Psycho-educational testing’, to give you a clearer picture.

Now, if the students are indicating a learning difficulty: 

1) They can avail the concessions given by your school board for learning disabled students. For example, concessions of extra time during examination, the use of a scribe or calculator, etc. depending on the exact nature of the learning deficit.

Learning difficulties are of three main types: Dyslexia, Dysgraphia and Dyscalculia. Briefly, the characteristics of each type are:

Dyslexia- Difficulty in reading, talking and communicating

Dysgraphia- Difficulty in spelling and written expressions. And

Dyscalculia- Difficulty in computation and problem solving.  

2) They need to seek help from a special educator or remedial teacher, who is trained to teach children with these learning deficits.  

On the whole, these students are intelligent. It is a deficit which specifically affects cognition and expression.

• It can be partly overcome by remedial teaching.
• They need to be encouraged in spite of their short comings.
• Encourage them to express themselves verbally and in writing.   
• Help them to find their talents and strengths. This will boost their self esteem.
• Educate their parents about their testing results and urge them to have realistic goals about their children’s’ academic performance.

There are various support groups available for learning disability. You can search them on the net on Google.

Kirandeep 

I have a daughter, Kiera in the 9^th standard and she has been certified as a slow learner. She feels inferior about her intelligence, since she fails in half of her academic subjects. She has no friends in school and many class mates tease her over petty things. Our home environment has also been tense over the years. My husband and I don’t get along and this may be affecting her. We have lots of fights and arguments. I am concerned about Kiera, since next year she will be appearing for her board exams and I want her to do better. Please help!

Dear Mrs. Shenoy,

Please put an immediate stop to your husband and your constant foibles. If it is anything serious, please resolve it as soon as possible because your daughter seems to be at the receiving end of the trouble. She cannot concentrate on her studies since your fights make her upset.  

Since she doesn’t have any siblings or friends, she may be feeling quite alone and left out as it is. Please don’t add on to her miseries. Both your husband and you must resolve to create a better home environment and work towards it together. If there is an argument you must have, make it a point to have it when she’s not around. Make time for healthy family interactions.  

You’ll are her role models. She looks up to both of you naturally. You don’t want her to have stormy relations with her husband, do you? It’s already quite late because she’s an adolescent now but it’s never too late to mend one’s ways. So, I would urge both you and your husband to find more meaning in life and relations and to provide the safe and comforting haven Kiera needs.  

As for her studies, she could benefit from remedial teaching by a special educator and possibly by Occupational Therapy too. Please check out the special educators and occupational therapists you have around your place and get her enrolled in these programs.  

Encourage her to go out, make new friends, start conversations, build her social skills, etc. This will help her feel more comfortable around people and she will learn to make new friends. 

Encourage her to pursue any hobby or talent she has. Let her feel she is good at doing something. Hobbies are therapeutic. They de stress and add joy to life.  It’ll also boost her self worth. 

Always be positive in your interactions with her and in interactions with other family members. Negativity and criticism lead to despair and sadness. Positivity and encouragement lead to hope and achievement.  

Break down her academics into small, doable chunks and make a balanced schedule for her. You could do this activity together. Breaking down tough tasks makes it more organized, manageable and easy to do. 

She must revise what has been done everyday before going to sleep to help retain information better. Revision prevents forgetting of matter. It reinforces memory and learning.

“When the heart is happy, miracles come to light.”

Kirandeep.